When time stands still

I received my invite for our annual family reunion which will be held in Ensenada, BC, August 1-3. I'm really looking forward to it. There was no reunion in 2007. A passed in April-- and I did not go to the reunion in 2006 because I was well into my third trimester and with signs of early labor for A.

One of my uncles has two new babies that I haven't met. Some of my cousins who are still 8 in my mind are entering junior high or high school this year. It is incredible to me how this past year is so blurry in my memory, how it has affected my perception of passed time. Anyone who's suffered a loss probably knows the feeling of living in a blank stare, in de-ja-vu, in going into room and not remembering why, (the one that gets to me the most) losing the sense of time- wondering what time it is- pulling out my cell phone to check the time- looking at the time- putting my cell phone away- and still wondering what time it is because I either looked at the cell blankly or already forgot?, the worst is waking up in the morning and the loss hits you as if you'd forgotten.

I never really used an alarm clock growing up. If I ever set one, I'd wake up just two minutes before it would ring. This past year I used all three alarms on my cell and I wish it had more. I use one to wake me up, one to tell me I have five more minutes before it's time to take J to school and one to tell me to go pick him up.

About three times towards the beginning of the school year, I dropped J (oldest) off at kindergarten, drove away, and after a couple of minutes of driving, I'd turn to look at the 'kids', and I'd panic because only one was there. I would panic because for a split-second I had a) forgotten I had just dropped-of J at school and b) A was really gone, still. It is the same feeling you get when you lose a child in a store.

E would look back at be blankly, still sleepy, and alone in the back seat.

I regress sometimes into this altered state of non-consciousness. I can tell it is happening when my dishes are piling up, when the kids are in the kitchen scavenging for something to eat because I have forgotten to feed them. If it weren't for J & E, I think that I would just not eat on some days.

I look forward to my grandparents' monthly visits when they stay for a couple of days. They will be here again on the 29th. Their presence helps me snap-out-it, brings some normalcy into my life. I even gain the couple of pounds that I've lost during the month when they're not here.

Part of the reason I summer-homeschool my kids is because its one of the few things I can concentrate on and think clearly about and be motivated by. Teaching is my passion and teaching my own kids is thrilling to me. When J was a baby and I taught second grade, I looked forward to him being the age of my students and being able to sit with him and teach him. He will be 7 this December.

There is one thing about being a 'clinically depressed' Christian. You know the way out. All I need to do is begin to immerse myself in God's word; read the bible, listen to Christian radio ( I recommend KWAVE 107.9) and I regain an adjusted view on my life. In view of eternity and His salvation.

Joyful in hope... Romans 12:12

summer homeschool

I plan to home school J, and E this summer (July & August). So far I've made a schedule (Tuesday-Friday 8:30 am-11:30 am) and put together a binder for them with tabs for the subjects we will cover; Bible, Music, Math,  English and Spanish. I'd like to focus mostly on the Bible, Music, and Spanish since these subjects are not covered at school. The boys are looking forward to it, as am I. Last summer I made it fun and included lots of songs/ movement/ art/ cooking/ games and field trips. This summer will be a blast! E (youngest of my sons) is now four-- he can write his name, knows his letters/sounds, reads about 25 sight words, and can count-- but most importantly, his attention span is longer :o)

List of curriculum texts/ sources I will use and recommend:

• The Book of Virtues, William J. Bennett/ Simon and Schuster 1993
  
• Now We are Six, A.A. Milne/ Puffin 1955
  
• What your kindergartner needs to know, E.D, Hirsch Jr/ Delta 1996
  
• Hooked on Bible stories/ HOP, LLC 2006 (note: did not like the CD, plan to use books, memory verses and traditional children's bible songs)
  
• Abecedario de los Animales, Alma Flor Ada/ Espasa Calpe 1990
  
• Day by Day, the one year devotional for young children, Betty Free/ Tyndale 1997
  
• Hooked on Phonics
  
• Hooked on counting/addition
  
• Enchanted Learning Website
  
• CA content standards
  
• Pasitos hacia la lectura, Darlyne F.Schott/ D.F. Schott 1991
  
• Osito, Osito, Jose Flores et al/ Macmillan 1987
  

loved 100%

After having my first son J, it was unimaginable to me that I'd be able to love another as much as I loved him -- 100% and with all my being. Two years and three months later, E was born and the impossible happened. I loved E 100% and with all my being from the very first moment I saw him. Not logical and not mathematically possible but I loved them each individually with all my heart. The presence of a new love did not in any way compromise, compete with, or take-away-from my love for the first. Then I began to long for and love baby A. She hadn't been conceived yet, but somehow I knew she was missing. I missed, and loved her already. 

Then she was born two years and 6 months after E. She took my breath away. I loved her so much, 100% and with all my being. Baby A spent one month in the hospital recovering from heart surgery after being born. I would bring the boys into the NICU with me and we'd sing softly to her. They loved her too. I tell them they can love her still. I do- 100% and with all my being. Like a child who's at school or on a long trip, I love her just the same even though she is not with me. 

I think of the story of the good shepherd who left his 99 sheep to find the one that was lost. If you have 99 sheep already, what use will one more be? Is recovering one even worth the energy it will take to recover it? Not if one sheep out of a herd of 100 is simply equal to a value of 1/100 or 1%. What is amazing about the good shepherd is that, one sheep out of 100 did not represent a mere negligible 1% loss to him. 

Jesus is our good shepherd. His love for humanity is not collective.  He loves us each individually, 100% and with all His being. 

So when I feel small and think ...  "how can God care about me or what happens to me specifically-- with everything else going on in the world-- not to mention, so many other people to look after " ... I remember the love God gave me for my children and I absolutely know it must be possible-- He loves me specifically and 100%-- and YOU TOO!   

picture: my husband EB's hand holding baby A's hand in the NICU September 2006

Glad I did

You know the feeling...

You didn't want to go. Maybe you're not the hiking type-- you'd rather watch nature on the discovery channel-- but someone insisted, so you went. On the way up, your calves are sore, you're hot, tired, thirsty--- until finally, you reach the top. 

You're awe stricken by the panoramic views.

An enormous sense of satisfaction and of accomplishment rushes through you-- and you think, "glad I did." 

It's the feeling of learning something new, of inspiration, of purpose...

and my absolute favorite expression to see on the faces of my children.